1 2-7 weeks of Kanned Catfish
by biecie
Summary: 5 months of writing for what will probably take an hour 1/2 or so of reading. There's some sort of irony to that, isn't there? Also keep in mind that the length of the chapters are varied. Disclaimer: Andrew Hussie owns Homestuck TW: #random chapter lengths #random updating #not good with descriptions
1. Chapter 1

My name is Kankri Vantas and I am a dead man. I am currently about to get beaten into a miserable pulp. "By who," you may be asking. The answer to that is none other than Meenah Pixies. The reason for such hostile actions can be explained by last night.

It was Sunday and it also happened to be one of Cronus' "guys night." I personally thought the notion of having one on a Sunday before school was something to be triggering towards certain people, but I went along anyway. "Guys night" consisted of Cronus, Kurlos, Mituna, Rufioh, Horuss, and myself. On "guys night" we'd get pizza, drink soda and just hang out on a hill near the mansions below it. The thing that differed about this particular hang out session was that I slipped on Mituna's skateboard and rolled down the somewhat steep hill. It was kind of a long tumble. When I finally stopped rolling I called Cronus to tell the guys I was alright. I couldn't climb back up the hill seeing as it was a little too steep.

"Hey, it looks like ya rolled down to the back of the Pixies mansion."

"Doesn't look like you can get back up the hill though," said Cronus on the phone.

Turning around and taking a look for myself I saw that he was right. Looking back I saw a fancy stone wall that surrounded the Pixies' entire backyard, which was rather expansive.

"Jump ovwer the fence and make your wvay to the road so we can pick ya up and don't wvorry about Pixies I'm sure she wvon't be too sore about it," said Cronus.

At this point I didn't really have a choice.

I hopped over the wall pulling myself to the ledge. From there I could see the Pixies' backyard. Though I've never seen their entire home the backyard was how I expected it to be, very large. It also had an in-ground pool that was roughly the size of the community pool downtown, if not bigger. This was most likely due to the Pixies family having somewhat of affinity for water. Being the natural swimmers that the Pixies were it wasn't very surprising. They could afford this because the head of the household was none other than the very head of the Betty Crocker corp. and if I'm not mistaken royalty of some kind is in their blood.

As I made my way over the wall I landed on wet concrete near the edge of the pool. I would soon find out this was the worst place I could have landed. Not a second on the ground I slipped and fell hands firts into the pool. After a moment in the water I felt something smooth. I then squinted my eyes open, but it was kind of hard too see anything and all I could see was a tan figure. The moment however, was short lived as the figure immediately started moving away. I then swam toward the edge of the pool, when I grabbed the edge I felt something under my hands. Then I realized it was a the top and bottom of a two-piece bikini. That's when I heard yelling.

I quickly turned my head to see what it was. Standing there dripping wet with towel wrapped tightly around her body she yelled "Kankri!"

I tried to reason with her saying "Please Meenah, even though you have all rights to be offended I would like to apologise and explain as to why..."

That happened to be all I was able to say before her out burst of "You are dead Vantas!"

Seeing as she was too triggered to listen to reason I clenched my hands and heaved myself out of the pool and made a run for the mansion. I don't know if she was following me or not, I just kept running through the halls trying not to break anything. I managed to run into Feferi, Meenah's younger sister, apologising as I did so. As I finally made it through the front door I saw Cronus' car stopped at the side of the road. As soon as I got in the car I heard familiar shouting of profanities from a significantly more dressed and slighty more triggered Meenah.

I urged Cronus to start driving and he complied saying "i knew she'd be mad, but I didn't think she'd be this pissed."

"Dawg, what even happened in there?" Rufioh asked.

"And why do you have a bikini?" Mituna chimed in.

I hadn't noticed that I still had it.

"Please, just take me home." I said in a tired tone.

I got home and started thinking of every possible way I could fix this situation. Unfortunately I couldn't think of anything. Tomorrow was going to be hell.

**EDIT: I got lazy and didn't finish, typing a story that was written on paper is a tedious task, dude.**


	2. Chapter 2

The next day I tread carefully from class to class. I knew Meenah was looking for me, this made going to class my classes difficult. When it was time for lunch I chose to eat in a tree. It wasn't hard since the branches came down far enough for me to climb. It also helped that I brought my lunch from home. As I climbed I found a branch that was fairly high enough off the ground and covered enough to conceal me. However, upon reaching a branch I could sit on I encountered Meulin.

She immediately greeted me with,"Hey Kankritter."

Meulin was partly deaf, so she tended to speak a tone higher than she needed to. The reason for this was due to an incident that happened back when she was still dating Kurlos. None us in the group really talk about it. She explained that she came up here sometimes to watch her 'ships'. From were I was I could see everyone from my younger brother Karkat, ranting about something to Egbert to Mituna falling off his skateboard. I had decided that this would be the best place to eat lunch, that is until Meenah had calmed down enough to be reasoned with.

The rest of that lunch period eating lunch and Meulin asking if I would like to learn more advanced hand signs, which I had agreed to. I had already known the basics, but Meulin was a master at it.

As the final bell rang I knew I was in the clear. Meenah was the captain of the school's swim team. That ment she'd be at practice after school. Knowing I was safe for the time being I walked home with Karkat. Though after getting home it dawned on me that I was forgetting something. It wasn't until I entered my room that I remembered, Meenah's bikini was still in my possession.

**Note: I updated Ch. 1 so if this doesn't make sense you should probably read it. Also 'for the first time in forever' did I neglect to mention this was a Human!stuck? TW: #shorter chapter #neglect #Frozen #musical #first time watching it #couldn't help it**


	3. Chapter 3

The next day my conscience got the the better of me so I decided that it was time to give back Meenah's bikini. There was a catch though, I needed help to give it to her. I couldn't ask Aranea, she was a terrible gossip and Porrim would start asking questions. My only viable option was Cronus. I told him to meet me outside of the gym after school and I would tell him the rest there.

The remainder of the day went as the following: classes, lunch with Meulin, and classes. I met with Cronus after school to go over the plan. It was simple I would go into the girl's locker room and put Meenah's bikini in her locker while the girl's swim team was at practice and Cronus would stand outside to act as a lookout just in case someone were to come by. The gym was laid out having two wings, the west wing and the east wing. The west wing had the school's swimming pool and the east wing had the basket ball court, between the two were the locker rooms.

We had waited a while to make sure the girls were in the pool before we went in through the east wing. Cronus had gotten to his post and sure enough they were already in the pool. It took a minute or two, but I managed to find Meenah's locker. It was slightly open so I could see her street clothes and her fuchsia-colored unmentionables. I had became a bit flustered after that.

That was when Cronus started silently yelling for me to "Hurry up and get the hell out of there!"

Turns out that the coach had ended swim practice over early. I tossed the bikini in Meenah's locker and tried to make a run for it. Unfortunately my sweater had been caught on something in her locker. Time was running out and I couldn't risk being caught. I slipped out of my sweater, put it in Meenah's locker and ran. The entire time Cronus and I were running I could only think about how screwed I was.

**Note: Technically the story is completely finished, I'm just super lazy typing it out.**

**TW: #Disclaimer: Andrew Hussie owns Homestuck #STRONG text #lazy #fuchsia panties**


	4. Chapter 4

Today was Wensday, lunchtime had just started and I already had a feeling that today was going to be worse than yesterday. Before school had started I had planned to go back to the gym and try to get my sweater back, but I overheard some gossip about Meenah having it so that plan was out of the question. That unfortunately was lower on my list of problems.

Due to not having my sweater I had to wear my old grey hoodie that I used to wear when I was younger. Wearing the hoodie itself wasn't the problem, the real problem was if Porrim saw me in it. A long time ago Porrim had said the hoodie was beat-up and ratty, which it was. She then spent an entire month making me a big red turtleneck sweater. It even had a tag on the inside of it with the message "_From Porrim with love_." It was from that day forward I never went a single day without wearing it. This, however prompted Porrim to be aware of any sort of rip, tear, or anything of that nature on the sweater. She would make a snarky comment about it and then fix it up good as new.

I couldn't help but think, "How did this happen to me?"

Eventually my mind started to drift to other subjects. One of those subjects was the time I was spending with Meulin recently. Meulin and I never really hung out except for group gatherings so at best we could say we had mutual friends. Although, the last few days I have spent with her had been rather enjoyable. Meulin continued to teach me hand signs and I found myself accidentally performing the hand sign for love from time to time. Meulin would in turn perform it followed by a short giggle to tease with me. She would do that every time we met or departed. The next day however I had decided to be a good sport about it perform it back to her upon departure. Meulin had responded with a deep blush. This should have set off some flags for me but, I chose to ignore it and smile. This would end up being a mistake.

The rest of the day had gone accordingly like any other, that is until I returned to my locker at the end of the day. There was a note sticking out of the side. The following was written on the note.

_Dear Mother fuckin' Chatterbox,_

_ It has come to my attention that you've been spending a lot of time with Meulin this past week. At first I didn't think much of it, just some friendly conversation. However, yesterday I saw her drawing in her little shipping notebook that she always keeps around. Now take a second to guess what I saw. Did ya guess? It was a little doodle of you and her. It looked real mother fuckin' cute and shit. There were little hearts all around too. That was when I got it. My little kitty bitch had a crush on that insufferable mother fucker, that would be you. Again, I thought nothing of it. Today was different though, I saw you initiating some pretty seriously hand signs and after seeing that I knew I had to write this. The only thing I want is for you to give me your word that you will never hurt her. Now, turn around and give me your word. No ifs, ands, explanations, or buts, mother fucker._

_ Signed_

_ Kurlos Makara :0) hOnK!_

As I finished reading the note I became aware of Kurlos' presence and turned around. He was wearing the same skeleton themed clothes he always did, including his face paint. I tried to explain, but Kurlos picked me up by my hoodie and since he was a full foot taller than me my legs were dangling. The second time I tried he slammed me against the lockers. Knowing things would only escalate from here I gave him my word. Kurlos dropped me and walked away with a smile on his face.

**TW: #listening to songs in a foreign language(Japanese) #skeleton clowns #these segments looked a lot longer on paper #curse you word count **


	5. Chapter 5

I stayed there sitting on the floor for a while, just thinking. That's when Aranea showed up asking me what I was doing staying after school. I told her I was having a long conversation with Kurloz and loss track of time. She arched an eyebrow at this, but accepted the story. It turned out that all of the after school activities were done for the day.

"Had it really been sitting here for so long?" I thought.

Aranea then said something along the lines of Meenah leaving without her by now. After that she asked if I would walk with her on the way home. I accepted, and we engaged in light conversation on the way. She eventually asked why my sweater was in Meenah's locker the other day. Before I was ableto change the subject we pasted near an alleyway. Hearing sounds of a confrantation we leaned against the side of a building and peeked into the alley. There were two people, a guy pointing a knife to someones throat and a girl with peircing. Unfortunately that girl happened to be Meenah.

Aranea was shocked, hand over her mouth to keep herself from scraming. Feeling a silent rage falll over me I told Aranea to call the police as I began creeping into the alleyway. As I drew closer I could see that Meenah was more angry than she was scared. Meenah made breif eye contact with me as I crept behind the mugger. I slowly pulled out the whistle I kept around my neck and signaled to Meenah that I was abnout to blow. She covered her ears and I blew as hard as I could.

The mugger got starttaled and confused so I took the knife from his hand before he could react. With the mugger now unarmed Meenah proceded to beat the living shit out of him. The next thing I know Meenah is on top of him punching away at his unconcious body with her knuckles covered with his blood. Aranea, having calmed down a bit more rushes over to Meenah and pulls her off the mugger; most likely to keep her from actually killing him. I heard sirens in the distance coming this way. Seeing that everything was going to be okay I dropped the knife and began walking home tired from this long day.

**TW: #Uh #I really don't have anything snarky and/or witty to say #I thnk there is like four chapters left **


End file.
